I used to do this a lot on TikTok, but it's easier for me to write these days and I like my blog more. Basically, each week Games Workshop puts out a list of what's coming up for pre-order in its games, and I make jokes about which ones I want to sleep with. Pretty simple context.

Note: my background is more Horus Heresy/Warhammer 40k, so I don't know a whole lot about Age of Sigmar and it's various characters

In all fairness, this week's releases were the main driver in getting this series going again. Since there are really only 2 minis releases this week, both of which are bigger box sets, we are going to split up some of those entries:

Lord Exultant

Not to spoil the entire article up front, but these are all going to be SMASHes. Slaanesh expects no less, and you'll get smashed either way, the difference is just going to be whether or not you keep your sanity afterwards. Speaking directly of the Lord Exultant, I'm not a fan of the first build and that serrated blade, but that top optional build has lots of promise. He's got both whips and chains to add to the fun. Plus, look at that face mask. There's going to be some serious vibrations coming off that thing, so who wouldn't want a piece of that?

Noise Marine Disharmonists

These guys bring their own beat box to play some tunes to, which is a nice plus. Also, same comments about the vibrations, but with these guys those vibrations are coming from those huge two handed cannons they are carrying. I mean, the cannon even has a face on it, how can you not picture some kind of oral with it? Granted, you'll probably get racked to pieces by the thing, but at least you'll probably enjoy it happening.

Noise Marine Tormentors

We've got more whips to throw around with these guys, but I want you to take a look at their hands. Look at the grip that they have on those grenades. Perfect grip for fondling....other things... Plus, the Emperor's Children were all about perfection, so you know that their technique is on point.

Noise Marine Infractors

Just like a sword fight, the Infractors are all about dancing up close and personal with their opponent. You just might be bleeding a bit more than you expected. While some people use the swordfighting/dancing comparison as a metaphor, the noise Marines are literally bringing those blades into the bedroom. I also get the feeling that questioning them on this matter will probably make things worse for you.

Combat Patrol: Aeldari

This is the only PASS for this article. The Aeldari seem like the kind of people who have commitment issues. One minute they're there, next they are gone. "Oh I went into the webway," they said, which just sounds like an exclusive nightclub to me. There's a reason they caused Slaanesh to be created in the first place. Also, I don't like the wide mouths of those long rifles. Too intimidating. Now, if they had faces on them instead...

Notes/Disclaimers: I generally assume I know nothing. So if I've missed something, let me know in the comments. If you like these types of posts, consider subscribing to our patreon.